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Monday, June 25, 2012

Love/Hate Relationship

Hey friends, I had no intention of posting today, I even suggested to Jessica (now that she's back) that she should definitely post today!!  But I want, no need, to get something off my chest!  I'm involved in a love-hate relationship!!!!  GASP!!!!!  I am, it's true.  I'm ashamed and even embarrassed at this information.  I don't know how to part with it, so I'm hoping and praying that by putting it out there for all the world to see (okay, maybe not allllll the world) that 1. you will have awesome suggestions and tips for me that will really really work and 2. that putting it in black and white will somehow seperate the two of us! 

Here's hoping........so the other partner in this so called relationship is...are you ready??  CreationFestival!!!!  (No offense Creation, honest, it's not you, it's me)  Have you even ever heard of it??  I know some of you have and some of you are all too familiar with this scandalous relationship.  I honestly don't mean to be caught up in it, I don't.  I don't like the relationship and I get nothing positive out of it.  It's needs to be one or the other but I can't keep holding up both ends of this here!

My affair with CreationFest started a ton of years ago, I was a child, innocent of it's ways, I had no idea what was to come!!  I think that I can remember enjoying it as a child, the pictures would prove so at least!  Great memories come from those pictures, in our hot, sweatiness, smiling and crazy!  Fast forward to the year 2005.  We get a letter in the mail from our church youth group.  At that time, we had one child in the youth group; our oldest son, Jon.  They were taking a group to Creation and were looking for families of the youth to come along!  I was elated!!!!!  "Ohhhhh I used to go to this when I was a kid!!!!!  You're gonna love it, I told my husband and younger daughter.

And they did, we all did!!!  We've been every year since (well 2006 was rained out - I cried)!!  We've since taken over the coordination of the group, it's not really a youth group event, although our youth count is quite high.  My husband has taken the head of this beast by the horns and has tamed it.  What he hasn't tamed is this love/hate relationship that I've somehow developed over the years!  I don't do this very graciously and I'm ashamed of that!  I should be gracious and loving and kind and helpful.  But every year as it approaches, that ugly beast rears up it's nasty head in me and takes over!  I get resentful, bitter, somewhat like a 2 year old. 

The whole thing drives me nuts!!!!  But then I realize that I always end up enjoying myself.  I hear everyone else compliment the job that we do and talk about how much they appreciate it and I realize that this is an awesome little ministry all in itself!!!  SO WHAT THE HECK IS MY PROBLEM????Friends, I don't want to feel this way any longer!  I don't want to threaten to not go and just send my family, I don't want to go grumbling and complaining.  I want to be a gracious host, I want to love this service down to my core.  If I'm totally honest, and can get past the beast, I can say that I do love it.  At the risk of sounding arrogant, we are good at it!!  My husband is a ROCKSTAR!!!  He has spreadsheets for all of the years that we've done this, with the food that we've purchased, the amounts, the prices per unit, the number of people that came any given year.  We have this thing down to a precise science.  It's impressive!  Then he cooks all of the meals (I have to say that we are very deeply saddened that his partner in the kitchen won't be with us this year....she's still alive, don't worry, just not coming).

But then there's me, this little devil in the background.  I'm not supportive in the way that I should be.  I'd even go as far as saying that I'm a hindrance to this entire operation :(  I repent.  I confess and I'm asking for forgiveness.  From my Heavenly Father, whom this whole event is supposed to be for and from all of the unknowing people that join our group each year.  I apologize and I'm asking for your prayers.  This relationship has to stop here and now!!  I can only move forward in a healthy relationship and I need help doing it!

Yes we could use help pulling this thing off.   (We are working on that, I promise but the other beast is that nasty word I spoke about last week: control.)    The hubby even wrote up an "ideal" creation plan, that involves other people!!!!  Prayerfully we will pull it off next year!  So anyway, there's my ugly secret.  I hope that I've not turned anyone away.  My intention wasn't to make anyone in our group who may read this, to feel bad or awkward or even feel sorry for all of the work.  We honestly don't mind it.  I know that the enemy is really hard at work here and I need to close the door once and for all!

We leave tomorrow morning.  We're still not packed.  My washer threatened to stop working for me earlier today.  Man did I want to explode, but I didn't.  I let it go and took care of it!  My vacuum quit on me.  My kids have not quit on me and have continued to help get things done around here today!  The hubs will be home shortly with pizza for dinner and then it's truly crunch time!  It's packing all of our clothes (6 of us), it's loading up coolers with frozen and perishable foods, it's packing up the camper and the suburban.  It's making sure that we don't leave anything undone, unpacked, unchecked.

I know that it is going to be an incredible week - it always is!!! Watching the sun set behind the main stage every night is incredible.  Praising and worshipping with 60- 80,000 of my closest brothers and sisters in Christ is indescribable.  The community that we share as a small church group is priceless!!  Would you please pray protection around each of us from the enemy?  Would you stand and believe that we will experience God in a deeper way and that we come back changed in some way?

And if you feel brave enough, please feel free to share an area that you are struggling in much the same way that I am.  Don't leave a sister hangin' out here all by her lonesome m'kay?  Thanks <3

*See ya in a week!!!!!   *Lorraine

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