We Are Not In Control
February 11, 2011
We think that we are, in control, that is. Think about it, we set our clocks for when we want or need to start our day. We choose, for the most part, what our day will be filled with, what we wear, what we eat, who we talk to, etc. Our gig can last for quite a while too, running smoothly with seemingly no interference. We get proud and cocky like nothing can knock us off of our self-made pedestal...we even go as far as proclaiming our invincibility to others.
And then the moment comes, it's different for everyone, that moment that tells you what you believed was true - simply isn't. You are not in control, sure there are some aspects of your day, your life, that you can control. But somewhere along the way those small aspects grow into much larger ones and pretty soon you think you control everything. But you don't.
The evening in November when I pulled up in front of where my parents were staying and an ambulance pulled up behind me was on of those "waking-up" moments. Where I realized that my ability to control is not as great as I thought. My father was in between heart attacks at that moment, unbeknownst to me. I was rushed into the house by my husband to find my dad laying on the couch, holding his chest and looking very pale. He no sooner got the words out of his mouth "I'm having a heart attack" and the EMT's were rushing in behind me.
The rest was a blur of activity and as you all know, he's alive and well. Well, I'm not sure that "well" is completely true. He seemed to be doing much better after that, but just this week he woke up to an ear full of blood, he's been very achy and looking pale again. We found out that his eardrum ruptured and his blood pressure was ridiculously low....he's on antibiotics now. But you wonder, what's next?
In the midst of that, my Grandmother, who is 92, continues to struggle with Alzheimers, a small hint of Parkinsons, and a bag of other small problems that when added up is quite a heavy load. Her brother, my great uncle, has been diagnosed with cancer at an advanced stage. My grandmom knows that something is wrong but can't remember what it is. Ther are other issues within my family that my loved ones are dealing with. Things that dear friends are working through. All reminders of the fact that we are not in control.
So you would think, with all of the reminders, the blinding light screaming "you are not in control", that i would get it. That I would live fully realzing that I am not in control. That there is One though, who is. One who has set the sun and moon and planets in motion, who told the stars where to hang and when to shine, One who has a plan for all of my days and who knew me while I was still forming in my mothers womb.
But no, I don't. I still wake up, feeling like I am in control and failing at that control no less. Anyway, I've continued to live this lie, this thought, this un-truth and then one day.....Wednesday, January 26th, to be completely exact...probably around 6:00 that evening, things began to change. I was, ever so gently, reminded, in a much bigger way that I, we, are certainly not in control.
I watched out the window as Bill pulled into the drive way from work. I opened the front door for him and greeted him with a very cheesey, Hi Honeyyyyy, how was your dayyyy : ) Big kiss and closed the door behind him. He half laughed, put his bags down and invited me upstairs. Hmmmmm, I'm in the middle of unloading the dishwasher, and didn't really want to be bothered with whatever his reason was for inviting me upstairs. I don't really remember what his response was to my trying to get out of whatever "it" was but I followed him up to our bedroom. He closed the door behind me and I sat on my side of the bed and he sat on the foot board.
I don't remember the order that the words came out of his mouth, but I do remember feeling a very heavy weight fall upon me and taking in the words "At 3:00 today Frank, (his boss) pulled him into a meeting and he was let go. You know how in the movies, in those moments how everything around the person either stops all together or slowly swirls and all the focus is on the subject? It was kind of like that....my jaw dropped, my eyes leaked and I tried to process what he was saying.
As I was being introduced to these emotions, I clearly felt the hand of God grab my shoulder and pull my attention away from the "pit" of fear, confusion and panic and redirect my gaze upon Him...the One who is in control!! I quickly worked through the remaining tears and gazed upon the face of faith, hope and trust. The only way that I can explain the ability to not freak out is that my hope and trust is deeply rooted in the God that loves me, that created me, the God that has great plans for my life (jeremiah 29:11)
I don't know what those exact plans are that God has for my life, but I do know that they are plans to prosper, they are good and they will ultimately serve His kingdom. I also know that believing in God and His plans for my life doesn't mean that trouble and trials won't come my way. In this life you shall have trouble......but He has overcome and through Him, I too am an overcomer.
This is a daily, moment to moment choice - for at any given moment I could very easily turn to what my nature knows as truth, and panic...but my spirit knows that that is not truth and my truth is that God loves me and my strength MUST come from Him.
There are so many of you who are daily going through trials, struggles...you question why? You want to give up and walk away. There are many times that I too react in that way, I tire of the fight and just want to rest. But the rest that those actions lead to, in fact do not bring rest. There is only One who can truly offer the rest that your heart desires, One who also created you and knew you before you took your first breath of air. One who has great plans for your life as well, if only you would turn from the lies and seek His face. Jesus Christ, the one who laid His life down for yours.
There are many of you who draw from the same source of hope and grace as I do, but maybe your knees are weak from the fight. Remember where your strength comes from and Who you can get that rest from..Come unto me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest.
I pray that this will be an encouragement to you no matter where you are. I do not choose God's peace over panic easily, it's something that I am learning. It is not by my own strength that I do it and many times I fail miserably. But He picks me up and sets me on my feet again and I start over. And believe me, I've had plenty of opportunity to learn. Life looks pretty and easy in the pictures, but I carry the scars of struggles and trials, some have been pretty big (like this new unemployment) and some have been much smaller - but they've all been struggles none-the-less and they've all been opportunities to work out my faith.
Bill continues to work until the 24th, he has had a few contacts and possibilites for new employment already. We remain hopeful and thankful for his friend and boss that continues to fight for him
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil. 4:13
God bless * Lorraine