I feel like things have been very doom and gloom around here lately. It's making me quite weary to be honest. Life has been off kilter for over a month now and I'm ready for some semblance of balance and normalcy. There are so many things hanging out on the horizon, things full of uncertainty...sometimes I think they are mocking me.
I want so badly to orchestrate my own life, all the while wanting to give it fully to Christ, knowing that He is the Master Composer. But it's so.stinking.hard. It's funny that when we are up we are undoubtedly up, not much can touch us, we are full of truth and light and hope. But when we find ourselves off balance and unsteadied, we are so easily moved. I am tired, I am feeling thin skinned and I know that God is peeling back the layers....like an onion. And onions stink. A friend once told me that the work that God does in us is much like raking wet leaves....there are layers upon layers in that pile of wet leaves, and they are not easily raked, sometimes the further down you get in the pile, the harder they are to move.
I made this comment to friends last night, "Christianity was pretty easy up until a few years ago". It has to cost us something, our walls must crumble, we must bleed and sweat, we have to lean heavily on God. Christianity isn't merely a label, it doesn't just tell someone what group of believers that we belong to. Christianity, to be authentic must be a verb, something that you do. It requires ACTIVE PARTICIPATION. If we are just sitting still, feeling no cost at all, then we must check ourselves. But sometimes after we begin the checking and start to feel some of the cost, we want to run and hide, to stay hidden under the pile of wet leaves, surely He won't find me under here. And you know what? As long as we are unwilling to move, maybe He won't "find" us, but make no mistake, He knows where we are and He knows we are hiding.
Like Adam and Eve, in the garden, He knew where they were, He knew they were hiding....He could have pretended to not find them and leave them to their own devices, which they had already proven wasn't a smart move. But He actively sought them out and gently nudged them out from behind their hiding place. He of course was just and had to give them their consequences but God doesn't stop there. He loves us through the consequences, He gives us a way out. He continues to work out the plans that He has for us until the day of completion.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm hurting. I'm weary. I'm tired. I want to run and hide. Most of the time, I have the energy to lean hard into Him. I'm not feeling that right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up, I just need to rest. I need to be carried a little of the way until I'm feeling ready again. Would you pray for me, please? I'm going to share a list of the things that I could use prayer for, if you would be so kind as to just lift these things up to Jesus, I would greatly appreciate it.
*Our near future (should we stay or should we go; how any of that is going to work)
*Ministry - we are moving into youth ministry, guidance and leading
*My son; Jon (salvation, relationships, his future)
*My daughter; Jessica -her future plans, GED, College, Mission work
*Health (we've applied for our states health care plan; pray that we can find good doctors to use)
*My husband; Bill - that he would be strengthened, that he would resist the evil lies of the enemy, that God would bless him
*Me - dying to self...this one is really tough, trusting in God's goodness (all the time), loving my husband the way that he needs me to, living fully right where I am, patience...I'm running a little short on that
I realize that some of these are pretty vauge...isn't it cool that Jesus already knows the ins and outs of these situations <3 Thank you for praying, I truly appreciate it <3
God Bless - Lorraine